Better love.

Today, I began to read about new Love.

It is titled "an intoxicating love" in my book.

In this book I keep treasures and photos and notes.

And on this first page of intoxicating Love, there lay a gift from old love.

I want to be sad.

I want to be overcome with emotion.

I want to immerse myself in the earthly feelings of broken heartedness.

But today is about new Love.

He is bigger than he.

I want to be intoxicated by his Love for me.

This dried flower kept between the pages symbolized so much for so long.

But as I picked each petal that had fallen from the stem out from between the pages, I realized how little I desire worldly affection and love and how much I desire His affection and Love.

Let my heart be opened and stilled that I am revealed how madly You love me.

Bring on the rain.

It is not often I let the brokenness creep back in.

Today it hit me like a wave comes in from the ocean.

I wish I could write to release it.

But I am much to tired to fight today.

Tomorrow's another day.

I'm thirsty anyway.

You can have all of this world, but give me Jesus.

I need Jesus.

I need You right now and from here on out.

The only things I have passion for are the aligning of Your will in my life and the saving of souls.

I want to be motivated.

I want to care for something.

I want You to move me.

I'm letting go of all else.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

I am continually thinking about what used to be.

On this night two years ago, which really seems like only the day before yesterday, I was probably drunk.

I had not met him. I had not yet met Him.

I had a heart of stone that was chiseled into a representation of beautiful.

On this night one year ago, which really seems like only yesterday, I was probably broken.

I had met and loved him. I had met and loved Him.

My heart of stone had been removed and replaced with something beautiful.

I looked back at writing from almost one year ago and realized how different I am and yet how very similar I am. I still want to be used in His love, but in such a different capacity.

Lead me today so that one year from now, I will see how far You have brought me evermore.

And the world spins madly on.

I find it so hard to be motivated.

My life has become one big to-do list and every moment of my day is micromanaged.

I need an escape.

I need a release and almost always I use words, but they are no longer working.

I cling to the solitary silence I sit in as I type, but it is overcome with the screaming remains of today's unfinished list.

I want to run away.

My heart aches for those with special needs.

Breaks and breaks for them.

Yet my program of study, which I am in so that I can engage in this very subject, teaches me nothing.

I am exhausted.

I am tired of working so hard.

I am tired of coming home and seeing my roommates on the couch enjoying themselves.

I am weary and burdened.

I am burnt out.

I need rest.

I want to throw away all of my lists.

I want to shirk my responsibilities.

I want to run.

I do not want to look back.

I want to be so far gone, with my heart so enveloped in my passions that they cannot pull me back.

I want to love with the capacity I have been given.

I am tired of waiting here.

Tune my heart to sing thy grace.

One year.

It has officially been one year.

And rather than address this to you, as I usually do, I will address it to You.

You have spun my heart in circles.

You have led me to the fire and softened my heart in Your flame.

My spirit is free because of Your freedom.

I am liberated.

I am worthy.

I am beloved.

Is that not what I started here to find?

In the midst of my broken heart and starved soul, I came here to find healing through words.

I could not process or function.

I felt closest to You when I would write.

I felt most honest with You when I would write.

I felt most alive when I would write.

It made me vulnerable, something I was afraid to be with people.

And one year later.

One long, horrendous year later.

I know I am beloved.

I know I am Your beloved.

I know how to be loved.

I have learned how to be love.

In this year love has been my song and You have been the composer.

I sing love with the guidance of Your symphony.

This year, my heart broke and was spurred into motion.

Something had to be done.

All I knew to do was write.

You are my redeemer.

You are my lover.

You are my life.

Use these words to connect my heart and Yours.

Sometimes I know no other way.

Betcha bottom dollar

that tomorrow, there'll be sun.

Only the good die young.

It is strange to think that you are gone.

If only we could have known and stopped you from leaving.

If only the brakes had slowed you quicker.

If only the night was lighter.

If only the timing was different.

Maybe then, Mike.

Maybe you would still be here.

Maybe no one would have had to cry Friday morning when they looked at you that one last time.

Maybe you would still be in your big truck instead of that small box.

It haunts me to think that maybe you did not know Him. We know that those who have received His love have everlasting life, but did you meet Him, Michael?

Did you tell Him you love Him?

With your final, scared breath did you ask Him in?

I want to believe you did.

I want to turn back time and in that moment be able to tell you of His love.

I want you to be Free.

But that moment has passed.

Your chance to decide came and went.

I hope there was a point, even if unspoken, that you believed in Him.

And I hope to see you in Heaven, friend.

She said I think I remember the film.

Here I am.

Mere days from one year with you, blogspot.

Mere days from one year without him.

A knot tied in my stomach when I realized the length of time that has passed.

I have been staring at this blank text box for some time now.

How do I formulate the words?

I do not understand change.

What has happened to us after all this time?

Where are we now?

More importantly, how did you become someone I no longer know?

Take my life and let it be.

Where are You calling me?

I have so many ties to this continent, but I feel as though they will not last much longer.

I am ready to be obedient.

I want to hear Your voice.

Call me to Your nations.

Send me in alignment with Your purpose.

Am I biting off more than I can chew?

I fear not, for You are with me.

We loved with a love that was more than love.

I care for someone else more than I care for myself.

I can honestly say that with no ifs, ands or buts.

It is a peculiar feeling, this thing called love.

But what I have come to notice is that you do not have to be in love in order to love.

I love this someone in the sort of way that I do not pretend I can comprehend.

I cannot stay mad.

I cannot stay hurt.

I cannot ignore.

As hard as I tried to protect my heart from his presence, I failed.

And now that all is said and done.

The dating is over.

The lies are no longer withheld.

The dreams are broken.

The passion has faded.

Now that the end has come.

I realized, it is only a new beginning.

It is a bit scary to recognize that the word love still exists between us, but it is there.

It did not leave after our last date.

Or at the unveiling of the truth.

At the shattering of dreams.

Or the yielding of the passion.

Love remains.

And that is how I know it is real.

I would lay down my life in a heartbeat. I would scale mountains and pray for days and weep buckets if I had to.

Luckily, at this moment all I need to do is be an open ear.

To sit, to listen, to engage.

To be the one person in the world who cares enough to answer every phone call and speak with honesty.

I am thankful for love.

It has been a very long time since I have been able to say that.

I owe much more to him than I could ever give, but I hope and pray that my love is enough.

Words cannot describe.

Actions will fail.

I did not choose this love.

Love is a funny thing.

Even when it seems like a gallon of spilled milk on the new rug, even when it feels like a dead kitten on the side of the road, even when it looks like a broken mirror, love remains.

So here we are.

Love as real as ever gone.

A bewildered confession on paper of the preexisting confusion in my heart.

A vulnerable moment from a hardened heart.

Love is not without you.

Forgiveness flows from the rivers of Your grace.

Am I spoiled or blessed?

Recently, I have been so fortunate. My grandparents are extremely generous with money for school and the scholarship I needed came through.

I struggle though, and have since high school, with the idea that I am spoiled.

I suppose you could use all the times my father screamed into my face those same words as the causation, but the more I heard it, the more it resonated.

Am I selfish?

Am I spoiled?

Am I worthless?

I heard it over and over again when I lived at home.

I heard it so many times I ran away.

I vividly remember the night I fled from home with nothing but my pajamas on my body and tears on my face.

I have fought through the pain from the past.

But still I am haunted by these memories.

The questions still ring in my head.

It has become hard to determine being blessed from being spoiled.

I work hard and I love on others, but in the area that surrounds my core, I am nagged with condemnation.

How much of my life is selfish?

What is my worth?

The wonderful thing about trusting in the Lord is that He determines your worth and He knows your heart.

He says I am worth more than all the lilies of the field or the animals of the sea or the birds of the air.

My heart means more to Him than anything else.

And He will protect it.

So the question may continue to loom over me, but my heart knows the answer.

I am blessed by the creator of the universe.

We are considered spoiled when He is unrecognized as the source.

My father on Earth does not reflect my Father in Heaven.

Their definitions of my life are drastically different and I know whose opinion I will rest in.

Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.

Each compartment of my heart was filled with nauseating vomit.

With pain and heartache at each memory.

With shame and guilt.

And most of all, with condemnation.

And in the midst of an overwhelming spirit of despair, I saw a hand.

The hand wasn't to pull me out.

The hand wasn't to pat my back or rock me gently or stop my tears.

His hand was there to scoop it out.

With a single cup, one memory at a time, He replaced my evident sickness with grace.

One by one, He was scooping my pain.

He was putting His hands into the mess I had not dared to touch.

And I was so thankful as He heaved each cup full of my filth over the edge.

I watched in awe as He rid my heart of shame.

With each empty cup, I felt the burden lift.

I turned to watch as another sickening memory was lifted from my heart.

But as I watched Him throw it out, I realized where He was dumping it.

The contents of my burdened heart, the disgusting, filthy vomit of my life, was falling onto His son.

And he lay there with the weight and filth of my transgressions raining down on him.

I ran to his side. I anointed him with all my best oils and perfumes and tried as best I could to wash my disgustingness off his undeserving body.

And instead, he embraced me.

He rejoiced with me that my heart could be pure again.

White as snow.

Clean and lovely.

In You, in You I find my peace.

Every fiber of my being is aching.

Every hair on my head is reaching.

My limbs are flailing.

My heart is drumming.

I am attempting every movement to feel You.

But You just ask that I rest.

Sit.

Listen.

Obey.

And usually, that is the hardest action.

But I want You so desperately.

Everyone around me knows You so much deeper.

I'm tired of comparing.

Of being compared.

Of feeling inadequate.

Every inch from my surface to my depths longs for you.

All the things keeping me from You seem so easy to throw away as I sit.

Here.

In this warm bed.

In this safe room.

But when I start into the real world, my heart always changes.

I am consumed by busyness, by stagnancy, by pain, by discomfort, by frustration.

And these all-consuming implications rip my heart from You.

But You ask that I just rest.

And in the stagnancy, busyness, pain, discomfort, frustration, You ask that I rest.

You offer a peace I have not learned to take, but I want it.

I want to live in it.

I want to pour it out on others so that they can know You.

But perhaps that is why I know no peace.

Because I am always looking for the next task.

For the next thing to keep me moving.

But You ask that I just rest.

Today, Lord, help me find a peace in the daily grind.

Help me rest in You.

I want to yearn for You.

Fill my heart with Your presence.

I want my wandering thoughts to trace back to You.

Flood this sinful spirit with grace and mercy from above.

Let my days be lived for Your light alone.

You are all I long for.

And we know it's never simple, never easy.

I hate that my life can relate to a Taylor Swift song.

I do not have anything against her, but as I drove home from Atlanta tonight I realized something.

The songs I connect with at the deepest level are painful, heart-wrenching melodies full of brokenness and tears.

I consider myself a happy person, but if what I listen to exemplifies a broken spirit, is that what I am?

Am I a broken spirit covered by a happy persona?

I think the answer is yes.

But to counter that, I think we're all broken.

I think we live in a recurring state of broken, hard-heartedness that is constantly searching for healing.

Which is why watching movies with happy endings is so appealing; they find healing in something.

But the movies do not show the rest of life. They only show a moment in time where desires aligned. The truth of the matter is, life goes on and we will inevitably be broken once more.

What is this healing, then? What is it that eases our pain, curbs our frustration, subdues our longing?

It is Him.

He fills spaces.

He takes the brokenness that each of us innately carry and with His touch, renews.

So even when the depths of my soul feel lost, small, sad or broken, He reaches for me and gives strength.

Brokenness is coming.

But so is His love.

Who would you call with your last goodbye?

What is it we strive towards?

As I sat on the plane a few days ago tens and thousands of feet above an abyss of ocean, I was suddenly stricken with the terror that something might go wrong. I had put all of my faith into a large piece of metal catapulted by a mathematical equation I did not grasp and piloted by someone I had never met.

Fear flooded my cheeks.

I thought about all the things I have yet to accomplish.

I thought about all the people I would miss.

All the people I hoped would miss me.

And I realized that none of it matters.

Then I became even more terrified.

If none of the things on Earth matter, why am I so attached to them? Why do I cling to them like they can keep me here just a little longer? Why do I let them keep space in my heart that should be filled with You?

All these things I believe to be so important could be ripped away if my plane falls.

And yet, even knowing they should not be where my heart lay, these things I cling to still were.

No longer do I want to be tied to the material things, these relationships, these competitions.

My heart should rest in You.

And when it does, the rest will satisfy itself.

One thing I know for sure, is Your love for me is deeper than anything.

I want more than anything else, to run free.

I want Your fire to burn these ropes that bind me.

But I want to do it all in love.

I want to walk, speak, grow and abide in love.

Without love, we are unchanged.

Without love, we are unclean.

Without it we are still as the dust and mire that sit atop a cast away Bible.

We are the signs of aging and the dwelling place of stagnation.

We must replace the wants of our world with needs of its people.

And these people need love.

I'm carrying Your love with me.

I am Israel. He has ransomed me.

I once was Jacob, alone and struggling with God.

He wrestled me until daybreak and then took hold of my heart.

He has never relented.

Never ceased.

His love remains each and everyday. While the stones may be tossed my direction and the winds hurl me into the mist, His arms hold me tightly.

We struggle together, He and I.

He has formed me and called me Jacob.

But He has chosen me and named me Israel.

From within me, a powerful city of His love will be erected.

Through me, nations of fear will fall.

Because of Him, these former things have become new.

And I have become He.

Because He dwells in me, I am now Him.

As He richly builds me up, He breaks down the walls of my old city.

The old becomes new.

He is ransoming me, His Israel.

"For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, He displays His glory in Israel."

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Was it not yesterday that I sat on the floor with my friends crying about leaving home?

Was it not yesterday that I moved all my belongings into a shoebox with a girl I did not know?

Was it not just yesterday that I began making friends?

Was it not yesterday that I met a boy who broke down walls?

And was it not just yesterday we were in love?

Was it not yesterday that ended a year it seemed had only begun?

Yesterday, was it not, when I had a cabin in the woods with glowing campers?

Was it not yesterday when I moved in with my three best friends?

Yesterday, when the door closed on first loves?

Was it not yesterday when my life was consumed with schoolwork?

It was only yesterday when life started moving so quickly.

And now, today is but another yesterday to come.

Though it won't all go the way it should, I know the heart of life is good.

I feel as though this year was but a moment. All the plans I planned and the dreams I dreamt, all were swept away with the tides of September.

And yet here, months later, I am wiser.

My soul has grown.

My walls have shrunk.

My heart has loved.

My fears have lessened.

My life has pressed on and because of that, because I am blessed to awaken each new day, I am a better being.

So here, on this last day of reality, I am checking into a week of chaos. I sit on the brink of finishing a year so vastly different than I thought it would be. I am so grateful for endings. Closing a door has never felt so refreshing.

While I cannot push away the negative effects of the past year, I am everyday more able to focus on individual blessings.

With each breath in, I feel a renewing of spirit.

With each second that passes, another of my dry bones dances.

With each blink, I see closure coming.

Life is waiting. I am ready to live it.

Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Last night was a minor breaking point. My life has been going non-stop this semester and situations that might not even make a dent in normal day to day experiences are becoming the straws that break the poor camel's back.

After my own personal pity party, I sat and talked with a friend for awhile.

She claims I need healing.

I do.

She wants me to find community.

I should.

But most of all, she thinks I need prayer.

This is hard for me to interpret. I do not want to tell a stranger my story. Whether it is their job to listen to my brokenness or not, the idea of divulging my life story to someone just so they can pray a redemption prayer for me is in no way appealing.

I do not trust.

When it comes down to it, I would rather pour my entire heart out onto someone than to have to trust them. I would rather focus one-hundred percent of my energy on their needs than to have them pursue mine.

But at the same time, I am so needy. I am heavily burdened and the Lord provides community for us to bear a little of that load, to talk through it with.

So where is the medium? How do I learn to trust again and how do I learn to trust the people who can help bring me healing?

I can put parts of myself into this. I can easily show them the pain of a broken relationship, the mistrust of people in authority, the disgust in being taken advantage of. All these surface level issues with their surface level answers I can deal out like a deck of cards.

But the root of the issue, the anger I harbor over each situation, the pain I experience at each memory, the holes I have from abandonment, whatever it may be, the root is much deeper than I am willing to let anyone go with me.

The root is like a tomb in an Egyptian pyramid, with decoys and traps. I have rooms full of treasure and beautiful distractions to keep people from finding the real coffin. I hope that these scavengers will be satisfied with room after room of the love I pour out and each wall that I have built will divert them from uncovering the root.

But the root is here, and the closest I have been to letting someone dig it up ended in disaster.

So I am left to battle these thoughts.

How do I begin to heal if I do not begin to trust?

So we sit at this table, with our hands in our laps.

I came here to find You.

I came to praise You.

I came to connect with You.

And you brought him here.

The one thing that keeps me from You.

You let him come and tear my heart out one more time.

You let him control my thoughts.

You let him manipulate my emotions.

You let him feed my anxiety.

You let him bring my tears.

Why would I trust in You, when You allow my heart to break?

Why would I follow You, when You let in the serpent?

You claim to take my chains and yet You condone me to them.

I want out. I did not decide to trust in You to allow myself to get hurt.

I came with empty hands searching for what could fill.

I came with a broken heart looking for what could heal.

And You have led me back to only what leaves me empty and breaks me once more.

Be all my hopes. Be all my dreams.

I want You.

I leave to find solitude and the noise follows.

I seek shelter in my room not Your house.

Give me a space free of distraction.

Free of worry.

Free of frustration and longing and neediness.

Just You and I.

My heart and soul call to You but my words get so distracted.

They praise others and not You.

Your children are beautiful but I only desire You.

When that insatiable desire is quenched, then I will pour out my love for You to them.

Until then, it is You I long for.

My soul pants for you like a deer to the stream.

Like the cloud to the breeze.

Like the dark to the light.

We can sail across the sea to a city with one King.

In the coming and goings of life, we lose sight. We relish in the past and the future, but not the moment. We keep our eyes on where we want to be, not taking in the place where we are blessed to be. Our focus is gone. Our eyes and minds and hearts are distracted. We are weary from running towards an endless goal. We are burdened from the thoughts of instability. Where has our peace gone?

Sit and relish the moment you are in now.

Not when you finish reading this. Not when you finish homework. Not when the children are asleep and the dog is out and the house is locked and the radio is off.

Now.

We have grown so accustom to asking for more we forget to be thankful for where we are.

For what we are.

For who we are.

For what we have and what we see.

For the places we have come from and the places that taught us something.

For the love we receive.

For the love we can give.

For the day we have been given.

We were born to manifest the beauty within us. We, however, cannot do so without taking into account our blessings. Being content will radiate our joy. Being joyful complements our contentment.

People pass by in their hustle and bustle. When will their "now" moment be? Do not wait until you are already gone from one place to appreciate what you had there. Live in that moment, knowing full and well your next moment will come. When it does, enjoy it all the more, for what it is and for the peace within it. Let the heaviness and the burdens be lifted as you indulge in each solitary moment.

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

Do you ever just want to weep over your Savior?

I have had that feeling all day long. I know what Easter is about. I know the story a million times over. But after all I have experienced, this Easter it means more. It means life, and not just life, but life abundantly.

It means freedom and liberation and breath.

Easter is about the grace I am so unworthy of receiving.

Today, unable to find the motivation to pour out the tears to my God on my own, I turned on The Passion of the Christ.

It took seeing Mary's face when she saw her son for me to move down to my knees. I remained there the rest of the movie.

When Peter denied Jesus the final time, there was a moment in the movie where Jesus looks to Peter with eyes so piercing it sent a ripple through my body.

I buried my face in the carpet and let the tears fall.

How many times do I deny my God daily?

I push off quiet time. I forget to pray. I fall into sinful nature.

I shake my finger at Peter for something I am guilty of constantly.

I want to live a perfect and blameless life in wholly abundance for my God. I fall so easily, just as Peter. I get caught in the moment and suddenly realize the time I have spent living is only time spent dying.

His eyes focused in on my soul today. As I watched His bloody body fall limp at each blow, I felt the conviction rise.

I am just as guilty as Judas, who sold Him. I am just as guilty as Peter, who denied Him. I am just as guilty as the Romans, who persecuted Him.

Yet, I am just as worthy as Mary, who birthed Him.

Because He was punished for my impurities, I am made worthy.

Why, sweet Lord, You died for me, I will never know. Forever, my Love, I will be grateful.

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging.

Lord, let Your love dwell in me so vividly today.

Be my eyes when I am searching.

Be my breath when I am drowning.

Be my love when I am shaking.

Be my heart when I am loving.

Sweet Jesus, be my one and only.

Your love is all I long for.

My chains are gone, I've been set free.

It does not seem like since months ago that this journey began.

In six months time, my heart has shattered more than a million times.

In six months time, my heart has ached and longed to be back where I was seven months ago.

But in six months time, I have become stronger.

In six months time, I have become me.

In six months, I have learned to stop holding onto a moment in my life and to start living for the moments to come.

In six months time, I recognized once more that people will fail you.

In six months time, I learned how to deal with that without hardening my heart.

In six months I am me, just a little more vulnerable.

In these short months, I am ready to embrace new Love.

In these long months, I am ready to embrace new love.

In these incredibly agonizing six months, I have learned a lifetime of information.

And in only six months, I am ready to start living again.

I am not held back. I am free to live and to love.

I am ready for the memories of this time to be simply memories.

Half of my heart takes time.

The 28th is my sixth month anniversary with you, blogspot.

The irony is incredible.

"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."

-Audrey Hepburn

Unending love, amazing grace.

I am seeking love.

I have been searching for so long; since the people who were supposed to provide it long ago failed. I do not know where to turn.

I offer my heart up to this world and let it be tossed into the sea of faces.

It comes back battered and broken.

I wait for time to mend it before I want to give it back. Will I never learn? Time has never been my healer.

Time has been my escape. My distraction.

He alone is my healer. He provided a full, beautiful heart and I stole it to give to those who did not deserve it.

It is time now to return it. My heart is His alone.

I can no longer be fooled by the tricks foolish people want to sway me with.

My longing to be loved will not be quenched by a human with lustful desires.

It will not be quenched by giving myself over and over again to sin.

It will not be quenched by time.

It is He who cleanses me.

He deserves so much more than my brokenness and begging, but yet that is where I find myself.

His overwhelming love supplies my broken heart with swaddling cloth to lay rest in.

No more may I seek love. I must seek rest. I must seek healing.

I must seek Him.

A thousand empty windows and only half the lights are out.

Writer's block is like a winter's wind, blowing and clinging to my soul. It makes it impossible to construct sentences. My thoughts are illogical. Irrational. Irrevocable.

I long for my words to flow like water takes to a stream.

I am ready for this dark night to be over.

This is Your life, it's my offering.

I feel lately as if I've been consumed by the Lord's love. I feel Him daily with a resounding love that I know I could not shake if I wanted too.

It is an almost overwhelming sense of peace. I have not felt the comfort of His strength in so long. I have submitted myself to His plan and His will and He is guiding my paths.

But as I sit and soak in everything and find contentment, I feel a nagging.

He is pouring blessings over me.

So why do I feel as though I am being called somewhere else?

But I am too young.

I am not ready.

I have no experience.

I have no money.

People will think I am crazy.

The moment He begins to work in my life, I allow Satan to attack me with lies. The truth is, He will provide me with the knowledge or the money or the trust.

We are going places, He and I.

To know and follow hard after You.

My God is so good.

He has been quieting and softening my heart for some time now.

He has been so faithful.

He has been so loving.

I needed community, He provided.

I needed a place to live, He provided.

I needed summer plans, He provided.

I needed to get into my major, He provided.

I needed money for school, He provided.

I needed plans for spring break, He provided.

I needed healing, He provided.

I needed strength, He provided.

I needed wisdom, He provided.

Jeremiah 29:12 says "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you."

Even when I felt as though I was throwing my words into Heaven, that I was an insignificant part of His plan, He provided.

There is nothing He loves more than to bless His children.

The funny thing is, all this could be gone tomorrow. Plans could fall through. Money could disappear. People could betray me. My heart could break again.

But even through it all, I know He has it worked out.

You see, before that verse about prayer, He says something else. He says, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

He knows what we need. He knows before we ask. But He says, I will listen when you call upon me.

He wants to hear us say we love Him.

And in that moment of wholly surrender, we will find Him.

Verse 13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

He is there and He is big and He is waiting for us to find Him.

Pray to Him. Pray with all of your heart and let him answer those prayers.

Seek Him.

Seek guidance.

Seek refuge.

Seek strength.

Seek joy.

Seek love.

Seek Him with all of your heart.

He longs to hear you call out His name.

And He cannot wait to pour out His blessings when you finally do.

Lead me on, and I will run after You.

This is long, but bear with me. It is so worth it.

As I was flipping through my Bible in preparation for my quiet time today, I came across the title "loneliness" in the back index.

I thought the Lord might have some words of wisdom for me, after all He does know everything. So I opened to Psalm 22.

It begins, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

As I lamented on this opening verse, I read on. About seven verses in, I realized I am nowhere near as lonely and cast apart as this Psalm described.

I flipped to Matthew 26. Let me set the scene: Jesus has been describing to his disciples how to live and love and share with others. They are gathered around and Jesus explains to them He is leaving them. One has already betrayed him and one more will soon betray his name.

So here is where things get interesting. The disciples are upset that their best friend is going to be murdered (understandably so) and they are all telling him how much they love him and would never betray him.

Jesus, being a studly man of God, wants to go to the garden and pray. He asks his disciples to keep watch.

Not one of them begs to stay with Jesus. Not that he would have at all, but if I knew my friend was about to die, I think I would like to spend as much time as possible with them. This is irrelevant, the larger matter here is that the disciples fall asleep while they are supposed to be watching for the murderers that are on the prowl. Hello? It makes no sense. Their actions are selfish. Their friend has a few hours to live so they take a catnap?

Jesus finally comes back to them and says, "Really, you're still asleep? Here come the men that want to kill me. Sorry we didn't have more time together."

That obviously is not a literal translation.

I just want to point out that if I was a disciple, at this point I would feel really dumb.

Anyway, a bunch of men come and take Jesus to the city. They try and try to find something to arrest him for and the best they can come up with is that Jesus says he can destroy their temple.

If someone wanted to kill me for all the times that I have said something that is equally as ridiculous, I would have died a long time ago.

The thing is, these men were scared because in the depths of their soul, I think they realized Jesus probably could knock out more than just the temple if he wanted to.

About this time I started getting bored. I woke up at six this morning and have had a lot going on. I thought to myself, if I cannot even read through the most interesting, graphic story in the Bible, where is my motivation going to come from? So I sat up a little and continued reading. Things get good.

Flip scenes: Peter is running around trying to follow Jesus. A bunch of people ask him if he knows Jesus. Peter denies him. The rooster crows. Peter feels about as dumb door he walked through to go outside and cry. Judas, the man that sold Jesus' whereabouts to the high priest, is so ridden with guilt that he hangs himself. Not a good day overall for the disciples.

Back to Jesus: He has informed the high priest that he is indeed the Son of God. Pilate makes a feeble attempt to try and save him, but it proves to no avail. So Jesus is ordered to be hung by the cross.

He is drug and beaten and bruised and spit upon and cursed at. The people mock him with no remorse. There is a robber hanging on crosses on either side of Jesus. Even they are yelling and mocking him.

Six hours he is up there.

Six hours.

Then darkness falls over everything.

Three hours pass.

Finally, nine hours into his crucifixion, Jesus cries out from the deepest part of his soul, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Psalm 22 suddenly became the most powerful thing I have ever read.

It is Jesus' cry from the cross, written before he was ever conceived. Read it now and feel the anguish Jesus was crying out with.

Jesus sent out one last cry, and with that his spirit left his body.

I will never in my life have cause to ask God why he has forsaken me. He will never leave me. He will never cause me pain such as the pain that Jesus bore for my sins on the cross.

The story does not end with Jesus' death. The story continued three days later when the impossible became possible. Jesus rose from the dead. He left his grave and led the disciples into the city. The story continued when the disciples were persecuted for sharing this very story. It continued when Christians were murdered and buried in stacks in catacombs.

The story continues today with you and me.

It will continue until the day of the second-coming.

He is a powerful and almighty God. We may cry out, "Why are we forsaken?" but He will never really leave us. We may go to hell and back, but we will always be brought back from death. We will sit at His feet in Heaven when our spirit is finally pulled from our bodies.

We should never again cry out to God in such a way, for we know that we are safe within His wings.

"For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden His face from him but has listened to his cry for help."

-Psalm 22:24

Our God is bigger than pain or fear or loneliness. He is a God who redeems.

Go through and read the end of Matthew. Read Psalm 22. God sent his son to endure the pain and feeling of forsakenness so that we would never have to bear it. He is good and just and loves until the end of forever.

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

I awoke at 5:40 this morning to the sound of rain beating on the roof.

Waking up at random times throughout the night seems to be a common occurrence these days, but today I needed to get up. Busy Monday, busy week, busy life.

As I lay in my bed tucked underneath a soft blanket listening to the rain, I could not help my mind from wandering back to the summer.

I was back in Michigan, if only for a few moments, listening to the sound of the rain come down on our cabin. I am savoring the last moments of silence before my co-counselor nudges our campers to wake in her sing-songy English accent.

Because, as much as I wanted to back in Georgia all summer, I knew in Michigan I was safe. I had a text from the boy to wake up to almost every morning and got to show my love to sweet children all day. I clung to the way I thought my life was going, not the reality.

The reality was my campers were 12 and did not know how to be self-sufficient. They relied on me for tasks a six-year old could accomplish. And the boy, let me be so bold to say, we obviously were not clinging to the same things all summer.

So now, as I sit, still listening to the rain patter off the roof, I know I am not in Michigan anymore. My fairy-tale is not going to come true, not now anyway.

But for a moment this morning, as I pretend the blanket I was snuggling into was red and the girls across from me in bunks were not roommates, but campers, in that solitary moment, I was safe within my realm of dreaming. My heart was full and my fears were scarce.

But was I better off?

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

No one has ever loved me

Like the way You love me

Wrap Your arms around me.

I am broken and need Your healing. Nothing and no one can ever take the space You fill. Hold me in Your warm embrace and rock me sweetly to sleep. Be my protector. Take my pain. I am surrendering myself and my fears to You.

And I want to be where You are.

I worked another Disciple Now this weekend. It was a last minute decision and an answer to prayer for the organizers. There were not enough leaders and it started snowing and everything that could possibly hinder the plans for the weekend were in motion.

But God is bigger than all our problems. If He has a plan, it will come together in the end.

My senior year of high school our basketball team was playing in the second round game of a tournament. We were up a little less than ten points with a few minutes to go. I was a good shooter, so when I got the ball at the top of the key, wide open, my natural instinct was to shoot it.

My coach, however loving he may be, did not think that was a smart decision.

Instead of letting me put my idiotic thoughts into motion, he called a time out as I was bringing the ball up to my shoulder to shoot. A good shooter shoots with smooth motion, bringing the ball from the shot pocket to the release point in fluidity. When Coach yelled time-out (or as the rest of team lovingly reenacted after the game, screamed bloody murder) in the middle of my attempt to launch a three-pointer, I was so startled I about fell on-top of myself. Our fan section got quite a laugh out of it.

After the game, he pulled me aside to explain why exactly he called the time-out. The time and score just did not require me to bomb a three-pointer from the top of the key. No matter my confidence in the shot, it was not going to earn our team an extra win. A win is a win whether it is by eight points or eleven. My selfish natural instincts were totally unnecessary in the situation.

The point is this, I think sometimes God yells time-out at us. He says, "You do not need to do that. You might make it, but if you do not, it will hurt your cause." We get so caught up sometimes in where we are going and what we are doing, we forget about why we are doing it. We think something will get us one step closer when in reality it is so unnecessary and can damage what it is we are trying to do.

I like to throw myself into a million projects and ideas and am so passionate and full of love for a billion things but God reigns me back in. He calls time-out on my busy life and asks me to give a weekend solely in service to Him.

Gosh, when we take that time-out and let Him explain to us afterwards the reasoning, it is so good. So is He calling you out? Are you tripping over yourself in eagerness for a goal that does not further the kingdom, only yourself? Let Him call time-out for you. Reevaluate the situation and re-prioritize where you are going. This life ain't about us, folks.

There's no doubt in my mind where you belong.

As I was doing my quiet time today, I was thinking about how good my God is. I am currently reading through the book of Isaiah and it is blowing my mind.

God is so good.

He took these desolate people and promised His son to solve their problems. He wanted them to become His people. He wanted to make their problems His problems.

When I finished reading, I began to journal. When my pen hit the paper the song "To Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan came on. I am not entirely sure why this was on my worship playlist, but I am so glad it was.

I sat for a moment and listened to the lyrics as God's song to me. God would sacrifice anything for us to feel His love.

Just read the lyrics as His poem to your heart. It is a moving experience.

When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.

I don't want no scrubs.

Oh, how I have been neglecting this blog. You see, the problem is I have a new obsession. Here is the confession:

I've started a new blog.

The thing is, it is such an amazing outlet for all of the whimsical pictures and images and ideas that run through my head at nine-hundred miles an hour all day. I love finding myself in the creativity and artistry of it all.

However, it cannot replace what I do here on (be)loved. I have an unquenched desire to write. It liberates my soul to type out the frustrations and joys of life. It is an escape from the neediness I sometimes feel. I do not long so much for people to listen as I do just to get my thoughts out. I do not mean that in a rude way, I love getting to know people and listening to their stories and I am absolutely smitten when I am able to have good conversations with friends, but my little brain just works so hard and goes so fast that it is impossible for me to talk enough to slow that thing down.

That being said, I still need this blank space. I love the way the white page turns into a canvas of words strung together into a beautiful work of art. So even though I'm cheating on this blog just a smidge, my quirky mind has enough going on to share with both.

This is a place for dream words, remember?

Nothing to do, nowhere to be; a simple little kind of free.

So many overwhelming situations have presented themselves to me recently. I find it interesting that in some contexts, I can write and write and never feel empty and yet in others I close up and just let the waves of each day crash over my thoughts.

I am so thankful for where I am now. I am in a perfect balance of peaceful and insightful. My stressors have melted into the sand.

While I know it will not be long until I am once again confronted with a million things to do and places to be and people to see, I am relishing in the existence of today.

It is as though my thoughts have flown like a bird takes to the sky. Open space above and beauty of creation below, they float aimlessly in the breeze.

There is nowhere that feels as restful than at His side.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.

I find my peace in You alone.

None but You can quiet my heart and calm my pain.

You ease my struggles.

You silence my thoughts.

You lead me in spirit and song.

I am Yours forever and my heart will not stay silent.

Extract from me words of praise. Bring to the light my thanksgiving. I want to worship You in wholly surrender. I want to indulge in nothing but Your love.

Envelop me with Your presence.

When someone loves like I do, dreams can come true.

Mmm, how badly I want to have a sweet baby girl someday. I ran across the necklace today with the Italian words "Cara Mia."

My beloved.

What a sweet, innocent ring those words have together.

I am not one to plan my future but when I read those words together, my heart melted at the thought of having my own adorable Cara Mia. A beloved daughter to hold in my arms and nurture and protect.

I am not ready to even think about having children, much less partake in the act it takes to conceive one, but this melodious little name captured my heart.

Near to You, I am healing but it's taking so long.

It has been a long time since I have felt this way.

It is as if I am endlessly drowning in my own thoughts.

I just want rest and clarity and peace.

Please.

It is for freedom we are set free.

I feel a stirring in my soul. A calling. These step-by-step movements will not last much longer. Soon, He will be leading me somewhere unfamiliar and uncharted.

I will go, unafraid.

His promise is my only hope left. All else is fleeting.

To this adventure I will cling.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.

The first thing I felt as I watched the ball drop this year was jealousy. I watched as couples embraced each other with nothing but bitterness in my heart.

Then I was sad. I am not a fan of feeling lonely.

Then I was mad at myself for being sad.

Then I got a phone call.

Stuart's friend passed away in a car accident tonight. I met him once, Stuart and I sat with him at a Braves game. I do not remember much about him, but knowing that someone who used to be and now is no longer baffles me.

I have a pit in my stomach. So many people are celebrating right now while his friends and family mourn.

This is not at all the fresh attitude I intended to start the year with.

But at the same time, there is something to be learned in all this, not that his life is meant to serve as a lesson, but perhaps this is my wake up call.

When Stuart and I hung up the phone, Kris Allen came on the television in the other room. He sang "Live Like We're Dying."

This is not another year to dwell in complacency. This is not another year to take in stride. This is not another year to want, to need, to desire, to covet, to anger, to withhold, to complain. This is a year to fulfill.

We are here to fulfill promises. Our purpose is to make an impact, not to be a person. Do not continue to fill your shoes with feet every morning. This is your year to slip on your shoes each day and make an impact. Show generosity, show love, show compassion, show vulnerability, show joy.

Be not who you once were, nor what you long to be, but who you are.

There is not enough time left for you to remain stagnant.

There are so many people who need food, people who need blankets, people who need friends, people who need people.

You can make a difference. Everyday.

We should work on that together, you and I, over the next 365 days.

Our new year's resolution; to fill this world each day with a little more love than we started it with.

Do not hesitate, beautiful, because what the world needs now is love, sweet love.