Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Last night was a minor breaking point. My life has been going non-stop this semester and situations that might not even make a dent in normal day to day experiences are becoming the straws that break the poor camel's back.

After my own personal pity party, I sat and talked with a friend for awhile.

She claims I need healing.

I do.

She wants me to find community.

I should.

But most of all, she thinks I need prayer.

This is hard for me to interpret. I do not want to tell a stranger my story. Whether it is their job to listen to my brokenness or not, the idea of divulging my life story to someone just so they can pray a redemption prayer for me is in no way appealing.

I do not trust.

When it comes down to it, I would rather pour my entire heart out onto someone than to have to trust them. I would rather focus one-hundred percent of my energy on their needs than to have them pursue mine.

But at the same time, I am so needy. I am heavily burdened and the Lord provides community for us to bear a little of that load, to talk through it with.

So where is the medium? How do I learn to trust again and how do I learn to trust the people who can help bring me healing?

I can put parts of myself into this. I can easily show them the pain of a broken relationship, the mistrust of people in authority, the disgust in being taken advantage of. All these surface level issues with their surface level answers I can deal out like a deck of cards.

But the root of the issue, the anger I harbor over each situation, the pain I experience at each memory, the holes I have from abandonment, whatever it may be, the root is much deeper than I am willing to let anyone go with me.

The root is like a tomb in an Egyptian pyramid, with decoys and traps. I have rooms full of treasure and beautiful distractions to keep people from finding the real coffin. I hope that these scavengers will be satisfied with room after room of the love I pour out and each wall that I have built will divert them from uncovering the root.

But the root is here, and the closest I have been to letting someone dig it up ended in disaster.

So I am left to battle these thoughts.

How do I begin to heal if I do not begin to trust?

So we sit at this table, with our hands in our laps.

I came here to find You.

I came to praise You.

I came to connect with You.

And you brought him here.

The one thing that keeps me from You.

You let him come and tear my heart out one more time.

You let him control my thoughts.

You let him manipulate my emotions.

You let him feed my anxiety.

You let him bring my tears.

Why would I trust in You, when You allow my heart to break?

Why would I follow You, when You let in the serpent?

You claim to take my chains and yet You condone me to them.

I want out. I did not decide to trust in You to allow myself to get hurt.

I came with empty hands searching for what could fill.

I came with a broken heart looking for what could heal.

And You have led me back to only what leaves me empty and breaks me once more.

Be all my hopes. Be all my dreams.

I want You.

I leave to find solitude and the noise follows.

I seek shelter in my room not Your house.

Give me a space free of distraction.

Free of worry.

Free of frustration and longing and neediness.

Just You and I.

My heart and soul call to You but my words get so distracted.

They praise others and not You.

Your children are beautiful but I only desire You.

When that insatiable desire is quenched, then I will pour out my love for You to them.

Until then, it is You I long for.

My soul pants for you like a deer to the stream.

Like the cloud to the breeze.

Like the dark to the light.

We can sail across the sea to a city with one King.

In the coming and goings of life, we lose sight. We relish in the past and the future, but not the moment. We keep our eyes on where we want to be, not taking in the place where we are blessed to be. Our focus is gone. Our eyes and minds and hearts are distracted. We are weary from running towards an endless goal. We are burdened from the thoughts of instability. Where has our peace gone?

Sit and relish the moment you are in now.

Not when you finish reading this. Not when you finish homework. Not when the children are asleep and the dog is out and the house is locked and the radio is off.

Now.

We have grown so accustom to asking for more we forget to be thankful for where we are.

For what we are.

For who we are.

For what we have and what we see.

For the places we have come from and the places that taught us something.

For the love we receive.

For the love we can give.

For the day we have been given.

We were born to manifest the beauty within us. We, however, cannot do so without taking into account our blessings. Being content will radiate our joy. Being joyful complements our contentment.

People pass by in their hustle and bustle. When will their "now" moment be? Do not wait until you are already gone from one place to appreciate what you had there. Live in that moment, knowing full and well your next moment will come. When it does, enjoy it all the more, for what it is and for the peace within it. Let the heaviness and the burdens be lifted as you indulge in each solitary moment.

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

Do you ever just want to weep over your Savior?

I have had that feeling all day long. I know what Easter is about. I know the story a million times over. But after all I have experienced, this Easter it means more. It means life, and not just life, but life abundantly.

It means freedom and liberation and breath.

Easter is about the grace I am so unworthy of receiving.

Today, unable to find the motivation to pour out the tears to my God on my own, I turned on The Passion of the Christ.

It took seeing Mary's face when she saw her son for me to move down to my knees. I remained there the rest of the movie.

When Peter denied Jesus the final time, there was a moment in the movie where Jesus looks to Peter with eyes so piercing it sent a ripple through my body.

I buried my face in the carpet and let the tears fall.

How many times do I deny my God daily?

I push off quiet time. I forget to pray. I fall into sinful nature.

I shake my finger at Peter for something I am guilty of constantly.

I want to live a perfect and blameless life in wholly abundance for my God. I fall so easily, just as Peter. I get caught in the moment and suddenly realize the time I have spent living is only time spent dying.

His eyes focused in on my soul today. As I watched His bloody body fall limp at each blow, I felt the conviction rise.

I am just as guilty as Judas, who sold Him. I am just as guilty as Peter, who denied Him. I am just as guilty as the Romans, who persecuted Him.

Yet, I am just as worthy as Mary, who birthed Him.

Because He was punished for my impurities, I am made worthy.

Why, sweet Lord, You died for me, I will never know. Forever, my Love, I will be grateful.