He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

I decided to myself that I was not going to post again until December was over after the last post, but obviously I have revoked my own rule. I often seem to do that to myself.

I woke up this morning at approximately six a.m. My stomach felt like it was on fire and the more I laid on my bed in submission to the pain, the worse it got. So after forty-five minutes of being absolutely stubborn, I took Tylenol. This will not seem interesting in the least bit to some, but to those that know me, if anyone even reads this at all, you will know I refuse to take medicine. It is a personal preference. And the fact that I, even at age twenty, still cannot swallow a pill may have something to do with it. Regardless, I tried to make myself vomit the horrid feeling, but resorted to the Tylenol after that failure. I really did not have to wait long, because about an hour later all the medicine and whatever nasty little bug crawled into my stomach were gone. Straight into the toilet. Lucky I made it in time, but let me tell you, liquid Tylenol tastes as bad coming back up as it does going down.

So that was my morning.

I did get the tattoo I wanted the other day. Although, after being a little bit taunted by the tattoo parlors here in town for wanting it on my finger, I was a tad discouraged. But I decided even if it was not where I originally wanted it, there was still real significance in the tattoo itself. I now have pretty little tattoo number two located just above my heel. It seemed a rather cliché place for it, I am not one for foot tattoos, but I am a bit of hippie and tend to run barefoot a lot. It is safe to say I am smitten with the little thing.

It has also been snowing for most of the time I have been home. I adore the snow. I love the way it looks after a night of heavy snowfall. There is a blanket over everything, as if to tell you, "You may think you needed this, but I am taking it and have decided you should go read a book by the fireplace."

Yes, I like the snow very much. And I also like to read by our fireplace.

This is a different style than I have been writing, but for now, I think this is how it will go. I am most tired of exhausting my emotions while I write, so I think maybe just writing as I am is going to do for now.

As Kobi Yamada, who I have not the slightest idea of his significance, once said;

Just be. After all, we are human beings not human doings.

Yes, just being will be perfect for now.

His banner over me is love.

I think I will get another tattoo while I am home. It is almost a new year and for heaven's sake, I am ready to leave last year behind. I have grown so much in the last twelve months sometimes it doesn't seem real.

This year was about love. I learned what it is and what it is not. I learned how to fight for it and be fought for. I learned about the difference between His love and his love.

In a perfect world, none of these lessons would hurt. But goodness knows, this is not a perfect world.

What I have learned the most, is the real love, His love, does not leave. It does not stop. It does not fail. It does not quit.

It was there last December and it is here this December.

Through all of it, I am His and He is mine.

Without question.

That was really the inspiration for the name of this blog.

"I am my beloved's and He is mine." -Song of Songs 2:16

I am His beloved and to be that I must learn to (be)loved.

So, I think I will get II:XVI (for the verse, 2:16) on my wedding finger, because even when (and if, I suppose) I am married His love will always be closer than his love. The tattoo will always be closer than the ring.

This little post let you in on how I think more than I intended. Hmm.

Here we go. New year, new lessons.

In the womb of winter, summer seems a myth.

Missouri gives me writers block.

And the sewing machine is broken.

And I forgot my watercolors.

And I forgot my camera.

Fifteen days.

What a beautiful mess this is.

I am back home for the month. The outlook is bleak. Even in the midst of all the things I dislike about being here, I am determined to find beauty. This picture is just up the gravel from my house and while it captures the dreariness that seems to be consuming my complacency, there is something majestic about it. There is so much promise. In this little bit of beauty, I am determined to find a way to be content. This is a season of peace on earth and joy. I want that in my own heart. I have been given so much. Even on the bleak days, my soul contains a perfect peace. I just need to figure out how to coax it into this dreary little world.

Joy comes in the morning.

Last Christmas, I left Athens with a heavy heart. My world was crumbling. I had so many walls built up I could not see over them.

I forgot who God was.

I woke up so I could go downtown again.

I wanted so much to be loved that I was giving myself away.

My grandmother was dying.

I was burdened. My heart literally ached when I thought about any of it. So, I kept going. I kept pushing for more until I realized I had nothing more to push for.

A page in my journal that still haunts me reads:

Christmas Eve.

Is love alive?

There are only two or three notes jotted below it.

I was so focused on the fact that I could not find love that I really did believe it was not real. I did not even want love in a romantic sense, but in a devoted friendship. I needed someone without selfish motives to tell me how much I meant.

It is hard for me to put into words the pain that sometimes creeps inside me. It attacks me at random. Nothing I think or pray seems to be enough to quiet it. It is on a mission to search and destroy my happiness. No amount of good words are enough to heal my heart.

I awake feeling broken and fall back to sleep the same.

My capacity for love has been diminished. I just want to be healed. I want the pain gone. I want all my weaknesses that have been exposed to hide again.

And then I read:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

I am supposed to find joy in this?

I am supposed to be happy that I hurt?

But He promises us that in the midst of all our pain, we will be complete.

Don't miss that, friends. Once this trial is over, He promises us we will lack nothing.

He says listen, I know this stinks. I know you hurt. I hate that you hurt, but I promise it works for good.

He knows our hearts are heavy. Living for Him never guaranteed us a pain-free life. Living for Him just guaranteed us hope for the end.

We were not placed here to walk the world unburdened. What good would we be? Who could relate to us? We are here to develop. And how does He choose to develop us? Through testing our faith. Not through a cake walk, not through daisies and sunshine.

Even knowing this, even after writing it, I still feel broken. My heart is still heavy. But the difference in leaving Athens this year and leaving last year is joy. It resides in me with a promise to never abandon, to never forsake. Leaving here ties my stomach in knots. I am anxious and apprehensive about so many things at home. He promises to protect me. I ran away from my problems and He keeps bringing me to the root. It is humbling, really. And my pain is no more significant than another's, but that does not diminish it's existence.

He promised us pain.

But He also promised us tomorrow.

And with tomorrow comes healing, opportunity, freshness.

Tomorrow is mine.

Mary, did you know?

What is our response when we are asked for submission? Do we give in grumbling and frustrated? Do we kick and scream and claw to stay exactly where we are? Do we humbly submit before Him in thankfulness?

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her. -Luke 1:38

"May it be to me as you have said."

That is what he asks for.

He asks for our willingness and our commitment in the moment. Not later, but at the time in which He asks us. Had Mary refused, who would be our Savior? Had she asked to wait until after marriage so as not to be looked down upon, would the story be as significant?

Would we still be living life just to live, getting through from one day to the next?

Did Mary know the plans brewing inside her stomach? Could she fathom the riches for all of man when she said those simple words?

"I am the Lord's servant."

He does not ask all of us to bear a child or lead a nation. In fact, He asks most of us only for our acceptance. But, the bigger the task He appoints you, the richer your reward. Mary bore a child out of wedlock in a time in which that was considered an ultimate disgrace. He became the Savior of nations. David was called to singlehandedly defeat a giant and became the greatest king of Israel. 

He rewards obedience.

He delights in our abidance.

He adores our sacrifice.

What is He asking of you? Is it simply a fast from something? Is it a lifestyle change, a breakup, an investment in someone? He will put it on your heart and let you wrestle, but the only thing that will satisfy His calling is for it to be as He has said.

He will not lead you blindly. He loves to hold your hand. He admires your courage and delights in your strength. 

He has written you a story; one of action, joy, love, and beauty. He will not let you fall. The thing He may be calling you from could be the most important thing in your life, but he will prosper that obedience. He will answer prayers you did not know existed. His promises stand through time. He does not change His mind. 

He loves. 

He loves you and me and the girl down the block and your first grade teacher and buddha and the news anchor and the woman in the store and the man on the motorcycle and the doctor and homeless man you avoided eye contact with and people who have hurt you and the people who will hurt you and the people you have hurt. 

And do you know what?

He is still going to tomorrow. 

He is going to whether you tell Him, "May it be to me as you have said."

He is going to whether you know who the "He" I write about is. 

He is going to when you mess up.

He is going to when you forget He will.

But He does not ever leave us.

Does the fact that He loves us regardless mean we do not have to obey? On the contrary, it should spark us with interest. It should ignite our love. We are fueled by grace; by the fact that we undeservedly walk on His creation daily without barriers. 

Before we can appreciate all He does for us, we have to agree that none of it belongs to us. He rules over all of it and blesses all of it and blossoms all of it.

When we remember that nothing we have is owed to us, every last bit of it has been given, it is much easier to sacrifice.

When it comes down to it, we do not have a reason to covet our belongings. Give it back. Enjoy what He has blessed you with, but if He is asking you to return it so that He can bless you again, give it up. He delights in rewarding us. He has so much for us.

But sometimes holding onto what we have does not leave room for the new gifts he wants to give us. Does a living room have space for two sets of furniture? He us wants to have the new blessings. 

He loves to spoil us. 

Do not forget how good He is.

When He comes to you, asking to give you more in exchange for the little you have now, will you accept?

Will you be fueled by His grace or pout for your loss?

Will you humbly declare, "I am the Lord's servant."

Will you say to Him, "May it be to me as you have said."

He rejoices in nothing more than the acceptance and obedience of His children. 

Be bold in His love.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart.

What do you do when the one you used to know is suddenly gone? All the time, all the memories seem in vain. How long before you can look back and be happy it happened? How long does the pain last? Is it the person you miss or the companionship? How do you grip that the person is now entirely different than the one you knew before?

I feel lonely and I feel weak. I'm tired of the brokenness. My heart is heavy and my soul is weary. Give me Your strength to get through.

He is alive and He lives in me.

But we don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We don't get that luxury. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share in it and give in our weakness. He wants us to offer the beauty that He has given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust Him. 

How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive, is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover's invitation.

-Excerpt from Captivating