He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

I decided to myself that I was not going to post again until December was over after the last post, but obviously I have revoked my own rule. I often seem to do that to myself.

I woke up this morning at approximately six a.m. My stomach felt like it was on fire and the more I laid on my bed in submission to the pain, the worse it got. So after forty-five minutes of being absolutely stubborn, I took Tylenol. This will not seem interesting in the least bit to some, but to those that know me, if anyone even reads this at all, you will know I refuse to take medicine. It is a personal preference. And the fact that I, even at age twenty, still cannot swallow a pill may have something to do with it. Regardless, I tried to make myself vomit the horrid feeling, but resorted to the Tylenol after that failure. I really did not have to wait long, because about an hour later all the medicine and whatever nasty little bug crawled into my stomach were gone. Straight into the toilet. Lucky I made it in time, but let me tell you, liquid Tylenol tastes as bad coming back up as it does going down.

So that was my morning.

I did get the tattoo I wanted the other day. Although, after being a little bit taunted by the tattoo parlors here in town for wanting it on my finger, I was a tad discouraged. But I decided even if it was not where I originally wanted it, there was still real significance in the tattoo itself. I now have pretty little tattoo number two located just above my heel. It seemed a rather cliché place for it, I am not one for foot tattoos, but I am a bit of hippie and tend to run barefoot a lot. It is safe to say I am smitten with the little thing.

It has also been snowing for most of the time I have been home. I adore the snow. I love the way it looks after a night of heavy snowfall. There is a blanket over everything, as if to tell you, "You may think you needed this, but I am taking it and have decided you should go read a book by the fireplace."

Yes, I like the snow very much. And I also like to read by our fireplace.

This is a different style than I have been writing, but for now, I think this is how it will go. I am most tired of exhausting my emotions while I write, so I think maybe just writing as I am is going to do for now.

As Kobi Yamada, who I have not the slightest idea of his significance, once said;

Just be. After all, we are human beings not human doings.

Yes, just being will be perfect for now.

His banner over me is love.

I think I will get another tattoo while I am home. It is almost a new year and for heaven's sake, I am ready to leave last year behind. I have grown so much in the last twelve months sometimes it doesn't seem real.

This year was about love. I learned what it is and what it is not. I learned how to fight for it and be fought for. I learned about the difference between His love and his love.

In a perfect world, none of these lessons would hurt. But goodness knows, this is not a perfect world.

What I have learned the most, is the real love, His love, does not leave. It does not stop. It does not fail. It does not quit.

It was there last December and it is here this December.

Through all of it, I am His and He is mine.

Without question.

That was really the inspiration for the name of this blog.

"I am my beloved's and He is mine." -Song of Songs 2:16

I am His beloved and to be that I must learn to (be)loved.

So, I think I will get II:XVI (for the verse, 2:16) on my wedding finger, because even when (and if, I suppose) I am married His love will always be closer than his love. The tattoo will always be closer than the ring.

This little post let you in on how I think more than I intended. Hmm.

Here we go. New year, new lessons.

In the womb of winter, summer seems a myth.

Missouri gives me writers block.

And the sewing machine is broken.

And I forgot my watercolors.

And I forgot my camera.

Fifteen days.

What a beautiful mess this is.

I am back home for the month. The outlook is bleak. Even in the midst of all the things I dislike about being here, I am determined to find beauty. This picture is just up the gravel from my house and while it captures the dreariness that seems to be consuming my complacency, there is something majestic about it. There is so much promise. In this little bit of beauty, I am determined to find a way to be content. This is a season of peace on earth and joy. I want that in my own heart. I have been given so much. Even on the bleak days, my soul contains a perfect peace. I just need to figure out how to coax it into this dreary little world.

Joy comes in the morning.

Last Christmas, I left Athens with a heavy heart. My world was crumbling. I had so many walls built up I could not see over them.

I forgot who God was.

I woke up so I could go downtown again.

I wanted so much to be loved that I was giving myself away.

My grandmother was dying.

I was burdened. My heart literally ached when I thought about any of it. So, I kept going. I kept pushing for more until I realized I had nothing more to push for.

A page in my journal that still haunts me reads:

Christmas Eve.

Is love alive?

There are only two or three notes jotted below it.

I was so focused on the fact that I could not find love that I really did believe it was not real. I did not even want love in a romantic sense, but in a devoted friendship. I needed someone without selfish motives to tell me how much I meant.

It is hard for me to put into words the pain that sometimes creeps inside me. It attacks me at random. Nothing I think or pray seems to be enough to quiet it. It is on a mission to search and destroy my happiness. No amount of good words are enough to heal my heart.

I awake feeling broken and fall back to sleep the same.

My capacity for love has been diminished. I just want to be healed. I want the pain gone. I want all my weaknesses that have been exposed to hide again.

And then I read:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

I am supposed to find joy in this?

I am supposed to be happy that I hurt?

But He promises us that in the midst of all our pain, we will be complete.

Don't miss that, friends. Once this trial is over, He promises us we will lack nothing.

He says listen, I know this stinks. I know you hurt. I hate that you hurt, but I promise it works for good.

He knows our hearts are heavy. Living for Him never guaranteed us a pain-free life. Living for Him just guaranteed us hope for the end.

We were not placed here to walk the world unburdened. What good would we be? Who could relate to us? We are here to develop. And how does He choose to develop us? Through testing our faith. Not through a cake walk, not through daisies and sunshine.

Even knowing this, even after writing it, I still feel broken. My heart is still heavy. But the difference in leaving Athens this year and leaving last year is joy. It resides in me with a promise to never abandon, to never forsake. Leaving here ties my stomach in knots. I am anxious and apprehensive about so many things at home. He promises to protect me. I ran away from my problems and He keeps bringing me to the root. It is humbling, really. And my pain is no more significant than another's, but that does not diminish it's existence.

He promised us pain.

But He also promised us tomorrow.

And with tomorrow comes healing, opportunity, freshness.

Tomorrow is mine.

Mary, did you know?

What is our response when we are asked for submission? Do we give in grumbling and frustrated? Do we kick and scream and claw to stay exactly where we are? Do we humbly submit before Him in thankfulness?

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her. -Luke 1:38

"May it be to me as you have said."

That is what he asks for.

He asks for our willingness and our commitment in the moment. Not later, but at the time in which He asks us. Had Mary refused, who would be our Savior? Had she asked to wait until after marriage so as not to be looked down upon, would the story be as significant?

Would we still be living life just to live, getting through from one day to the next?

Did Mary know the plans brewing inside her stomach? Could she fathom the riches for all of man when she said those simple words?

"I am the Lord's servant."

He does not ask all of us to bear a child or lead a nation. In fact, He asks most of us only for our acceptance. But, the bigger the task He appoints you, the richer your reward. Mary bore a child out of wedlock in a time in which that was considered an ultimate disgrace. He became the Savior of nations. David was called to singlehandedly defeat a giant and became the greatest king of Israel. 

He rewards obedience.

He delights in our abidance.

He adores our sacrifice.

What is He asking of you? Is it simply a fast from something? Is it a lifestyle change, a breakup, an investment in someone? He will put it on your heart and let you wrestle, but the only thing that will satisfy His calling is for it to be as He has said.

He will not lead you blindly. He loves to hold your hand. He admires your courage and delights in your strength. 

He has written you a story; one of action, joy, love, and beauty. He will not let you fall. The thing He may be calling you from could be the most important thing in your life, but he will prosper that obedience. He will answer prayers you did not know existed. His promises stand through time. He does not change His mind. 

He loves. 

He loves you and me and the girl down the block and your first grade teacher and buddha and the news anchor and the woman in the store and the man on the motorcycle and the doctor and homeless man you avoided eye contact with and people who have hurt you and the people who will hurt you and the people you have hurt. 

And do you know what?

He is still going to tomorrow. 

He is going to whether you tell Him, "May it be to me as you have said."

He is going to whether you know who the "He" I write about is. 

He is going to when you mess up.

He is going to when you forget He will.

But He does not ever leave us.

Does the fact that He loves us regardless mean we do not have to obey? On the contrary, it should spark us with interest. It should ignite our love. We are fueled by grace; by the fact that we undeservedly walk on His creation daily without barriers. 

Before we can appreciate all He does for us, we have to agree that none of it belongs to us. He rules over all of it and blesses all of it and blossoms all of it.

When we remember that nothing we have is owed to us, every last bit of it has been given, it is much easier to sacrifice.

When it comes down to it, we do not have a reason to covet our belongings. Give it back. Enjoy what He has blessed you with, but if He is asking you to return it so that He can bless you again, give it up. He delights in rewarding us. He has so much for us.

But sometimes holding onto what we have does not leave room for the new gifts he wants to give us. Does a living room have space for two sets of furniture? He us wants to have the new blessings. 

He loves to spoil us. 

Do not forget how good He is.

When He comes to you, asking to give you more in exchange for the little you have now, will you accept?

Will you be fueled by His grace or pout for your loss?

Will you humbly declare, "I am the Lord's servant."

Will you say to Him, "May it be to me as you have said."

He rejoices in nothing more than the acceptance and obedience of His children. 

Be bold in His love.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart.

What do you do when the one you used to know is suddenly gone? All the time, all the memories seem in vain. How long before you can look back and be happy it happened? How long does the pain last? Is it the person you miss or the companionship? How do you grip that the person is now entirely different than the one you knew before?

I feel lonely and I feel weak. I'm tired of the brokenness. My heart is heavy and my soul is weary. Give me Your strength to get through.

He is alive and He lives in me.

But we don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We don't get that luxury. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share in it and give in our weakness. He wants us to offer the beauty that He has given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust Him. 

How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive, is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover's invitation.

-Excerpt from Captivating

You make everything glorious and I am Yours. What does that make me?

Is it from a mirror we determine our beauty?

Is affirmation from others where we find our self worth?

There are days when I deeply struggle with what makes me beautiful. As I wrestle with the question I think of all the things I need to change, everything I need to work on. The more I think of what makes me less beautiful, the more ugly I feel. Girls struggle with these thoughts all the time, to the point that it brings them to bulimia, shame, depression or anxiety. 

We feel trapped in disparity. We feel hopeless in our ambitions. 

We look in our mirror for confirmation. 

We hang from the words of a loved one for our identity.

And then, we use and abuse all the things provided for our good. We are promised to always have enough food, yet we eat too much or none at all. We are told of the beauty of sex and we give it to boys who say our surface is beautiful.

But what defines our beauty on the inside?

Where does our loveliness reside?

In what do our souls rest?

There is perfect joy and peace in something bigger. Immense satisfaction from His spirit. He has promised us more than we could ever need and once we embrace that, truly embrace it, and set our worth in that alone; we are beautiful.

We really are.

No one can take away a love that radiates from within. When your beauty is lit from the inside, it reflects to the outside. In the same way, trying to shine beauty from the outside inward will never fill up all the spaces with light. We cannot be full from it. It will inevitably fail us. There are only so many pounds you can lose before you wither away, only so many boys you can be with until none desire you.

His love though, is eternal. It is never fleeting. It never fails to provide us with all we need. 

So skip the scale. Break the mirror. Button your shirt.

They will not make you beautiful. 

Walk with the confidence that when you accept His love, you radiate His beauty. 

Because where there's a man who has no voice, there ours shall go singing.

I am so tired of complacency.

Why has my fire been dampened? My thirst has not been quenched. Yet, I am still foolishly stagnant. My life is not my own. It is an offering of love. Still, I waste the day.

This love has no reason to remain in me. It is to be poured lavishly on the children of the world and yet I keep it. I selfishly savor each moment with it. But you see, this love can never fully satisfy unless it is being shared with others. 

I have no desire to remain tomorrow what I already was today. 

I want to grow in my abilities.

I want to flourish in Your love.

I want to be lit from the flame of grace, with not a solitary selfish ambition left pulsing through my veins. 

It is not up to me who is reached by my outpouring of love, but it is up to me to make sure it is released. I am not called to make decisions, but to open hearts. I am not sent to save souls, but to expose their needs. I am an intercessor. I am a mighty ship whose port is within the hearts of others. I am guided by faith and fueled by love. I have no mission but that of a pirate; to pillage souls of their brokenness and ready them to be filled with true treasure. 

I want to be rid of this stagnation, rid of this complacency. I want a yearning, a passionate desire to pour an exuberant love into this cold world. Most of all, I want fulfillment of my purpose through a zealous joy in my mission.

My country, 'Tis of thee.

My hands cannot type fast enough to keep up to the pulsing of my heart. I am energized by the wrongs in this world. We demand to be held to a higher standard of living and yet turn up our noses at the fellow down the street. He wishes he could demand that same standard and get away with it. Yet we lock him in cages, we want him off our streets. We hand him handcuffs instead of a home. We give him a snarl, not a second chance. 

He is everything we are except lucky. 

He was dealt a poor hand and instead of letting him redraw, we make him fold. Who are you to take something away from him that you too were once so earnestly seeking? Did you not long for a chance, for a reason to dream, for an opportunity to arise? While he might have to wait on a street corner instead of a warm house as you had, he still has hope. His dreams as a child were the same as yours. His faith has been dimmed by nights lived on that corner, but it will not fade away. How dare you, a stranger, attempt to blow it out. It will never be your place in the world to take someone else's hope, no matter how little they have left.

The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

All week the question has risen, is it where I am supposed to be? The easy road lies before us and the path with thorns and boulders is beside us. Where do we choose to fall into motion? The easy path will temporarily fill us with satisfaction, give us a label, provide us support. But in the midst of this trying world, the easy way is still hard. We will still have bills to pay and people to please. In choosing to take the narrow path however, we discover something about ourselves. We find that we are not as small as we once perceived. We have within us, a vast river of strength, flowing swiftly to aid us in our aspirations. We need only put ourselves in the midst of trouble to determine our true power. 

Making the decision is not easy, the toughest of choices never were. We slowly become aware of where it is we are supposed to be when we feel a longing, a soft tugging, on the strings of our hearts. Should you choose incorrectly, your heart will always pine for that which you did not undertake. The challenge will never be forgotten. In life decisions, we feel an urge for the answer. Our hearts are combated by our heads. It becomes a game of soft hearts against thick skulls. In the end, the only thing that will bring you true joy is that in which your heart delights. It matters not how hard the task. Upon accomplishment, and even sometimes along the journey, we will realize how vital the decision we have made is. We will begin to understand the impact choosing the harder path imprints on our lives. In the game of life, we are approached with circumstances. We are called to make the decisions based not on the ease of the moment, but the significance of the journey. 

So how then do we answer the question of placement? You will be called to where you are supposed to be. For where your treasure lies, there your heart will be also.

Your love never fails.

You hold my spirit in your hands. My fear of failure is gone. You resurface my confidence and liberate my joy. When I find myself in a frequent moment of weakness, you rain down your grace to fill my empty cup. You protect and persuade me. Infinite beauty is on my horizon, painted by your love. My mind tries to comprehend what my heart knows. 

You are the giver of life and the lover of souls.

You bring to my soul an aching for your comfort.

A longing for your love.

So come, flood my broken spirit with your mercy.

Gently seduce my heart.

Whisper your affections to my yearning ears.

Leave a resounding impact of your love in mine.

Good love is on the way.

Could she actually be stronger now that he is gone? He was someone that took so much of her, but when he left, she was capable of such better love. He found her weak and broken. He built her up but when he left, plummeted her back down into the weakness and the brokenness. She resurfaced as a powerful force. One without limitations. One that does not ask permission. One that beautifully illustrates the true imagery correlated with being a woman. One that knows her own loveliness. One that will stop short at nothing to be herself. 

She is a free spirit. 

She is a lover. 

She is a warrior.

She is a contender in the games the world introduces for play.

So yes, she has reclaimed victory. She knows what lies within reach will never be what she is called to grip. She was born to chase her freedom to the edge. When she reaches it, someone will be close behind, in awe of her victory over complacency. He will love her entire being for it's fullness. Not as an attempt to rebuild her, but to enhance the beauty she radiates.

There is joy in submission.

Amen.

You will bring beauty from pain.

We always ask, why do bad things happen to good people. In times of trouble, heartache, pain, and sickness, we immediately ask what we did to deserve such punishment. The fact of the matter is, we came into the world doomed to fail. We were born bare-bottomed. We screamed and flailed and gasped for air. Finally, we reached safety. The hands of the doctors holding us lovingly as they clipped the last pieces of what tied us to our prior residence. We could have been left there to fend for ourselves. People can argue about bad parenting and a rough childhood, but the fact is that someone raised them. Someone provided them milk and a place to sleep. If not, they would not have survived. Did we inherit this right as we came into the world? Are we required for someone to love and care for us, or are we in fact blessed by the fact that someone did?

When did we decide the world owed us something and stop being grateful for the things we have already received?

While I will not argue that circumstantially I have been better, I do know that my life is blessed beyond all comparison to what I deserve. I was filthy in sin, but have been washed clean. I was blind to my old ways and now I see. I was lost in reckless abandon, by grace I have been found. So yes, days are a struggle. But I know that what I was born into the world with, nothing, is what I deserve to leave with. Instead I receive grace and mercy, cleansers of my empty life, fillers of my empty heart. Whatever the day, whatever the outcome, each of our tiny broken spirits must hope in the fact the we have been able to live one more day in abundant love. When the day comes for Him to hold us lovingly in His hands and clip away the last pieces of our prior residence, we should go; grateful for the lives we undeservedly received.

Well, you've go to reach up just to touch rock bottom.

It's so easy to find your first place of defense in anger. When you are hurt and vulnerable, forgiveness is the furthest notion from your mind. While it may seem childish and submissive to forgive, where then should we turn? Our words and actions can leave scars that mark deeper than we know. What seems like an appropriate advance at someone from the beginning, may in hindsight be one of the worst possible approaches. Should we use our pain as a vessel to bring others pain? Is that what we really want, someone to wallow in their own pity with us? Take a deep breath and gather that air from something pure. Do not breathe in the muck from the worldly instincts instilled in all of us, but breathe in the words of reality. Breathe in the breath of life. It is there for us should we choose it. Instead of crawling around in our pain, reach up for a hand out of it. Do not be so vain as to pull someone else in with you. You see the opposite of love is not hate, it is anger. Love comes from a creator unburdened with His own pain, but choosing to carry ours. Let Him lift the baggage from your hands so that you may forgive, as you were forgiven, and as you were made to forgive.

She built her cathedral from the splinters of her shattering.

Heartbreak. But really what is happening is heartshape. You are being molded and mended into the person you are to become. The ache that sets in are growing pains. It will all fall into place. The wounds will scar and in time fade. For now, stay removed but not closed off. Keep strong but not defiant. Learn to give love even when you are unable to receive it. Wear courage not as a mask, but as armor. Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

As deep cries out to deep.

From time to time we look back on yesterday. Last night I thought of the places I was a year ago that day; a Wednesday night in Athens. This day could have been just as any other. While I don't recall what exact day it was or where, a pain shot through my veins like none I have ever experienced. Was my day wasted? Decision after decision last year was fueled by my head not my heart. Was that day one in the same? The time has come to be fueled by something better, a well oiled machine ready for its works on the streets of grace. The attraction of the desires my head pines for still remain, but what calls louder now, is the overwhelming love my heart has been inscribed with. 

It's funny how amidst all the heartbreak, one year has lead me from there to here. 

Funny how the words stream from my fingers onto the screen fueled by my heart, not by my head. I write what I feel, not what I think. This is the difference. I must go now where I feel, not where I think.

My life is no longer an I statement. I will no longer leave my mark on the paths that I traipse across. He will leave an etching in the lives of those His love pours from me on. His blessings will come from the place I was one year ago to satisfy those who yearn presently. His desires have become my desires. The place He will make the biggest difference with me will not be atop the roofs screaming about His love, but in being His love to the broken on the bathroom floor; the place where I once took up space. He has not called me to lead an extravagant life in this world with ribbons and pearls draped upon me, but a naked life, raw and emotional. I am a relational being with my experiences to offer and His love to give. 

So where, one year from now, will I be? Only He knows, but I know where it will not be. It may be a Wednesday night in Athens again, but I will be walking down streets of His grace, not my desires. He never wanted the choices I made for myself, but He watched, in loving adoration, as I clawed at the mess I had made. He humbly waited for me to retract my claws, bury my pride, and reach for His hands. With one touch, one breath, one blink, He melted my pain, my shame and fear, doubt, hate, loathing, all of  it. The grace that resonated in my soul made me want to run. Still He held me in His arms, waiting for the love to set in. And now, I sit in awe of His mercy.

But I must stand, in delight of His promises.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Every soul has in inkling. To stretch, to strain, to pull and twist, dodge and dive. It longs to run far from the body towards its home. As our bodies strain to keep in our souls, we crush its very meaning. The soul is what saves the body; let it run where it may. Should your soul find its wings and carry you, it would be the greatest of feats. The soul finds its life and clings to it, bringing the body with it. You live no greater life than that in which the soul has found its belonging. When our days are lived by soul, our days are made joyful and complete. We lack nothing and happiness is at our disposal to others. When the soul finds its niche, no force in the world can stop a soul on its mission. Free your soul to the winds it longs to float in.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

When I have a house, the shades will never be down. I want to feel the sun on my skin even while making lunch. I want to let the warmth radiate through the room; on a mission to fill my heart even on my most dreary days. To me the sun is like a gift to each morning. As it dries the dew, so too does it dry my frustrations of yesterday. Today is everything new and bright and lovely. Today is my day to be me in exactly where I am supposed to be at that moment. 

Streams of mercy, never ceasing.

Oh my soul, it permeates my heart with thoughts of You. I find my delight in nothing more. The world fails and tells us to trust in it again. But He is gentle and loving and reveals Himself to me daily. He invites me to dine in His loving arms each night. His grace rains down on me like the sweet water to a dry field. I am romanced by Him alone, and oh, how I adore Him. My beloved lights my sky with stars each night. He makes them shine just for me.

It is here where she must begin to tell her story.

At first glance, what is it that is so extravagant about life? Must we always want something more, or is what we see right at the surface all we really need? 

I am here to ponder profound statements, to find my inner voice in a world that tells me what I should think. What I must first confess though, are my heart's desires as of late. I crave an intimate relationship with an intangible being. While many of my desires can be fulfilled under the sun, the most important of these will never be quenched by this world. Secondly, my passion is finding love, encouragement, and community for all who seek it. I may not be perfectly fit to be someone's best friend, but someone out there is. No one in this world should ever feel alone. Love hopes. We all desire companionship and love daily. I want to find people their niche, or at least lead them to someone else that can. More passions are on my heart, but they will surface themselves as we progress. 

I found this online; a stunning invitation to express our inner freedom. We must liberate our thoughts in order to liberate ourselves. I think this will be a good way to introduce what is to develop over the course of this blog.

This is a space for dream words.

Love words.

Made-up words.

Flying words. 

Fall down and get up words.

Get to know the sound of your own inner voice.

Be creative.

Be generous.

Be bold.