Good love is on the way.

Could she actually be stronger now that he is gone? He was someone that took so much of her, but when he left, she was capable of such better love. He found her weak and broken. He built her up but when he left, plummeted her back down into the weakness and the brokenness. She resurfaced as a powerful force. One without limitations. One that does not ask permission. One that beautifully illustrates the true imagery correlated with being a woman. One that knows her own loveliness. One that will stop short at nothing to be herself. 

She is a free spirit. 

She is a lover. 

She is a warrior.

She is a contender in the games the world introduces for play.

So yes, she has reclaimed victory. She knows what lies within reach will never be what she is called to grip. She was born to chase her freedom to the edge. When she reaches it, someone will be close behind, in awe of her victory over complacency. He will love her entire being for it's fullness. Not as an attempt to rebuild her, but to enhance the beauty she radiates.

There is joy in submission.

Amen.

You will bring beauty from pain.

We always ask, why do bad things happen to good people. In times of trouble, heartache, pain, and sickness, we immediately ask what we did to deserve such punishment. The fact of the matter is, we came into the world doomed to fail. We were born bare-bottomed. We screamed and flailed and gasped for air. Finally, we reached safety. The hands of the doctors holding us lovingly as they clipped the last pieces of what tied us to our prior residence. We could have been left there to fend for ourselves. People can argue about bad parenting and a rough childhood, but the fact is that someone raised them. Someone provided them milk and a place to sleep. If not, they would not have survived. Did we inherit this right as we came into the world? Are we required for someone to love and care for us, or are we in fact blessed by the fact that someone did?

When did we decide the world owed us something and stop being grateful for the things we have already received?

While I will not argue that circumstantially I have been better, I do know that my life is blessed beyond all comparison to what I deserve. I was filthy in sin, but have been washed clean. I was blind to my old ways and now I see. I was lost in reckless abandon, by grace I have been found. So yes, days are a struggle. But I know that what I was born into the world with, nothing, is what I deserve to leave with. Instead I receive grace and mercy, cleansers of my empty life, fillers of my empty heart. Whatever the day, whatever the outcome, each of our tiny broken spirits must hope in the fact the we have been able to live one more day in abundant love. When the day comes for Him to hold us lovingly in His hands and clip away the last pieces of our prior residence, we should go; grateful for the lives we undeservedly received.

Well, you've go to reach up just to touch rock bottom.

It's so easy to find your first place of defense in anger. When you are hurt and vulnerable, forgiveness is the furthest notion from your mind. While it may seem childish and submissive to forgive, where then should we turn? Our words and actions can leave scars that mark deeper than we know. What seems like an appropriate advance at someone from the beginning, may in hindsight be one of the worst possible approaches. Should we use our pain as a vessel to bring others pain? Is that what we really want, someone to wallow in their own pity with us? Take a deep breath and gather that air from something pure. Do not breathe in the muck from the worldly instincts instilled in all of us, but breathe in the words of reality. Breathe in the breath of life. It is there for us should we choose it. Instead of crawling around in our pain, reach up for a hand out of it. Do not be so vain as to pull someone else in with you. You see the opposite of love is not hate, it is anger. Love comes from a creator unburdened with His own pain, but choosing to carry ours. Let Him lift the baggage from your hands so that you may forgive, as you were forgiven, and as you were made to forgive.

She built her cathedral from the splinters of her shattering.

Heartbreak. But really what is happening is heartshape. You are being molded and mended into the person you are to become. The ache that sets in are growing pains. It will all fall into place. The wounds will scar and in time fade. For now, stay removed but not closed off. Keep strong but not defiant. Learn to give love even when you are unable to receive it. Wear courage not as a mask, but as armor. Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

As deep cries out to deep.

From time to time we look back on yesterday. Last night I thought of the places I was a year ago that day; a Wednesday night in Athens. This day could have been just as any other. While I don't recall what exact day it was or where, a pain shot through my veins like none I have ever experienced. Was my day wasted? Decision after decision last year was fueled by my head not my heart. Was that day one in the same? The time has come to be fueled by something better, a well oiled machine ready for its works on the streets of grace. The attraction of the desires my head pines for still remain, but what calls louder now, is the overwhelming love my heart has been inscribed with. 

It's funny how amidst all the heartbreak, one year has lead me from there to here. 

Funny how the words stream from my fingers onto the screen fueled by my heart, not by my head. I write what I feel, not what I think. This is the difference. I must go now where I feel, not where I think.

My life is no longer an I statement. I will no longer leave my mark on the paths that I traipse across. He will leave an etching in the lives of those His love pours from me on. His blessings will come from the place I was one year ago to satisfy those who yearn presently. His desires have become my desires. The place He will make the biggest difference with me will not be atop the roofs screaming about His love, but in being His love to the broken on the bathroom floor; the place where I once took up space. He has not called me to lead an extravagant life in this world with ribbons and pearls draped upon me, but a naked life, raw and emotional. I am a relational being with my experiences to offer and His love to give. 

So where, one year from now, will I be? Only He knows, but I know where it will not be. It may be a Wednesday night in Athens again, but I will be walking down streets of His grace, not my desires. He never wanted the choices I made for myself, but He watched, in loving adoration, as I clawed at the mess I had made. He humbly waited for me to retract my claws, bury my pride, and reach for His hands. With one touch, one breath, one blink, He melted my pain, my shame and fear, doubt, hate, loathing, all of  it. The grace that resonated in my soul made me want to run. Still He held me in His arms, waiting for the love to set in. And now, I sit in awe of His mercy.

But I must stand, in delight of His promises.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Every soul has in inkling. To stretch, to strain, to pull and twist, dodge and dive. It longs to run far from the body towards its home. As our bodies strain to keep in our souls, we crush its very meaning. The soul is what saves the body; let it run where it may. Should your soul find its wings and carry you, it would be the greatest of feats. The soul finds its life and clings to it, bringing the body with it. You live no greater life than that in which the soul has found its belonging. When our days are lived by soul, our days are made joyful and complete. We lack nothing and happiness is at our disposal to others. When the soul finds its niche, no force in the world can stop a soul on its mission. Free your soul to the winds it longs to float in.