Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Last night was a minor breaking point. My life has been going non-stop this semester and situations that might not even make a dent in normal day to day experiences are becoming the straws that break the poor camel's back.

After my own personal pity party, I sat and talked with a friend for awhile.

She claims I need healing.

I do.

She wants me to find community.

I should.

But most of all, she thinks I need prayer.

This is hard for me to interpret. I do not want to tell a stranger my story. Whether it is their job to listen to my brokenness or not, the idea of divulging my life story to someone just so they can pray a redemption prayer for me is in no way appealing.

I do not trust.

When it comes down to it, I would rather pour my entire heart out onto someone than to have to trust them. I would rather focus one-hundred percent of my energy on their needs than to have them pursue mine.

But at the same time, I am so needy. I am heavily burdened and the Lord provides community for us to bear a little of that load, to talk through it with.

So where is the medium? How do I learn to trust again and how do I learn to trust the people who can help bring me healing?

I can put parts of myself into this. I can easily show them the pain of a broken relationship, the mistrust of people in authority, the disgust in being taken advantage of. All these surface level issues with their surface level answers I can deal out like a deck of cards.

But the root of the issue, the anger I harbor over each situation, the pain I experience at each memory, the holes I have from abandonment, whatever it may be, the root is much deeper than I am willing to let anyone go with me.

The root is like a tomb in an Egyptian pyramid, with decoys and traps. I have rooms full of treasure and beautiful distractions to keep people from finding the real coffin. I hope that these scavengers will be satisfied with room after room of the love I pour out and each wall that I have built will divert them from uncovering the root.

But the root is here, and the closest I have been to letting someone dig it up ended in disaster.

So I am left to battle these thoughts.

How do I begin to heal if I do not begin to trust?